At some juncture this 2008, I became superfluous. Graham and Logan have both continued their march to independence in so many ways, but it’s in the car I’ve been feeling like a supporting actor. A few weeks ago Los Tres attended Graham’s cross country awards meeting. Afterwards, walking through the parking lot to the car, Logan called shotgun, so I played along and took a back seat. Graham drove, and he and Logan carried on a conversation all the way home about the running season, the awards the team took (second at state!) and the process of training and working to get faster and so on. I listened all the way home, astounded by the independence of their relationship as Graham maneuvered dark back roads home. I realized it did not matter if I were there or not and there was both poignancy and a bit of comfort in the thought. Well, if I felt cast aside and unnecessary in that moment, it didn’t last long.
The next morning I was back at it: keeping them on schedule, making breakfast (Graham: two egg ThirkMuffins to go; Logan, one English muffin with Nutella, or a slice of banana bread) and then I was needed to hand over lunch money. It’s so nice when your children need you. Then out the door on time, more or less. Graham drives and drops Logan at Talent Middle School on his way to Phoenix High. When he pulls over, Logan gets out with a hearty, “Thanks Graham; see you later.” Well, what can I expect? I already handed over the lunch money.
Those notions of independence were felt in other ways, too. I made three trips to Wyoming this summer , and while Logan and his buddy Sam accompanied me on one trip (camping in the Tetons! and a visit with aunties Linda and Inky and Linda’s German exchange colleagues) Graham had his own gig going all summer as a lifeguard at the YMCA, so he did not make any of the trips. Logan went to his academic camp at Southern Oregon University again, and Graham spent a week running in the Steens Mountains. Graham made it to State Campionships in cross country and track , too, and watched the Olympic track trials at the University of Oregon, where he’s decided to go to school next year. And now that XC is over for this year, it’s back in the pool for swimming season. Logan ran cross country and track and played basketball last winter, too.
We began this year on the ski slopes of the Siskiyous, which provided other important moments of independence for Graham and Logan. Logan officially dropped me in a downhill race, though to be fair (to me) I was telemark skiing. But Graham just plain out-skied me in powder this year. We had a stunning ski year of heavy snowfalls weekly and we did take a couple opportunities to play hooky and ski together. At one point, watching Graham drop down a steep pitch under the lift, plumes of powder peeling away from his skis at each turn, I gave myself a pat on the back for teaching my kids to ski practically as soon as they could walk. I commented later to a friend I thought it a great gift I’d given them, but she said the real gift is that I am able to ski with them. True, and I know their growing independence is a great gift, too, sometimes, in those superfluous feeling moments, it can feel like a gift that is difficult to give.